Deciding to decide

I’ve been trying to organize a trip to Sirolo beach with my friend Julia for a few weeks now. She’s staying with her family a half-hour away, continually telling me that she wants to come visit, that she wants to come meditate here at the center. We have long talks about how much she wants to be here…but then she doesn’t show up. It’s been three weeks like this. And three similar summers have come and gone.

So I invite her, call her, write her, “I’d love to see you up here, why don’t you come?,” but it seems like every time, she finds some way to squirrel out of it. So I tried to change tactics. We decided that I would go pick her up and that we would go to the beach together for a few days. I found a room at my friend’s B&B. All was planned a week in advance, but then yesterday, this happened….

I got a text message from her, saying “I’m trying to decide what to do tomorrow.” So I sat and wondered, how do I respond to this, this time? She knew what our plans were… so why the strange note? It was like she was trying to force me to say, “I’m coming to pick you up” for the fifth or sixth time. She wanted me to decide for her. She wanted me to say, “’I’ve made up my mind, you’re coming!

But I knew that I couldn’t decide for her. I got in the car, passed her house, and went to the beach alone that weekend. I was sad about it, but I also felt like I had to leave this kind of wishy-washiness out of my life. Both externally and internally.

Suddenly, I felt more decisive in my life, more centered and present. And so it made me wonder… had this been the same game I had been playing with God all these years? Waiting for Him to jump in and take me, to decide for me?

But He hadn’t do that. He had waited patiently. He Would Not Decide for me. He wanted me to come to Him of my own free will.

It was if He were saying, this weekend, “Now do you see how I feel, waiting for you to decide?”

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